Still Me, Why Don’t I Feel Like Me?

Did you ever feel like if you move you could just start over? It’s funny because no matter where I go I’m still going to be me. If I can’t handle my problems and issued here why would it be different anywhere else?

I know I can’t run away from my problems, my pain and believe it or not, my emotions. I feel so out of control, so overwhelmed. All I want is to feel normal again.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see myself. A glimpse maybe but 100lbs heavier. It’s so depressing. I worked hard to lose the weight over and over. It was a life long battle and I still haven’t given up. The problem is I don’t remember how to eat healthy. I have never really learned that completely. I lost weight by greatly limiting what I ate, but mostly by exercising, a lot.

I started out heavy as a child. My mom, bless her soul, was a young mother and I was her first child. She thought I didn’t like the formula so she gave me whole mike with honey. Honey?! I know I could have died but God took care of me. I honestly think this set up my slow metabolism and love of sweets. So began my battle with the bulge.

I was the heavy kid throughout elementary school and high school. I wasn’t extremely heavy but it didn’t stop the ridicule from my peers. It’s amazing how I can’t remember what happened last week but I can remember 1st grade. To add insult to injury my parents took me to the eye doctor and I needed glasses. When I walked into my classroom the entire class erupted in laughter, pointing fingers and all. Even the play leaders, who were eight grade students who would take us to play outside. Even though they were students too, they were in the last grade before highschool. We looked up to them.

That was a sad day for me. I remember laying my head down on my desk and crying. I remember struggling to memorize all of the numbers, addition, subtraction, reading etc. I found it hard to concentrate. Homework took all of my time when I got home from school. After I cried to my mom for all the mean things the other kids said.

Life was hard even for a six year old little girl. I couldn’t run away from my life then and I can’t run away now. I’m still me, I just need to work to feel and look like myself again.

“Never give up”



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